I am aware of the fact that I haven't posted a video in a few weeks.. Damn, I need to get my shibbles together! But one thing I wanted to do is reassure you that I didn't actually 'stop'.
So a few weeks ago, I had some trouble with thinking about a video idea, after finding a new tag, I thought of a few video ideas for the upcoming weeks. Sadly, I just couldn't seem to film them as it didn't feel 'me'. I decided that I wanted to take a small break to see where my videos were going to lead to next and to think about what I want to deliver to all of you as I want it to be enjoyable for you but I also want to look back at them and be proud of what I have produced. Lately, even in my everyday life, I haven't felt like myself because outside of youtube, I have a life which is great but at times everything can lead up to a moment where you don't want to show your true self in case others are going to judge you for it or that you would look weak. Everytime before a video, I had to put up a fake smile and pretend everything was perfect whilst knowing that the second that the camera stopped rolling, everything will go back to normal. I am not willing to talk about my personal life online because I'd feel like I'm begging for mercy, plus it's something that is personal and involves me and others around me who might also not appriaciate me telling everyone what is going on. As I saw that my videos seemed fake throughout time and my sense of humour lowered and I saw that things weren't as happy and 'right' in the newer videos than in the older ones, I decided that I deserved a time-out. I needed to take a pause from everything because I realised that I'm doing too much at a time. I'm a VERY tiny youtuber which seems like it would be really easy for me and it is actually quite easy, all I have to do is dedicate a day per week for filming and editing and a night for uploading, not the hardest job in the world. However, that, keeping my grades up, revising for mocks, doing coursework, keeping my family 'under control', keeping up with doctors appointmens, hospitals and my overall health is quite challenging.
Lately, everything seems to be going up-hill; my family seems happier, I'm taking medicine and arranging appointments, I'm up to date with most of my coursework, I've had several talks with GPs and psychologists which made me feel at ease and I stopped stressing about every little thing as much. This is all great and I want to thank anyone who took an active part in making me feel better.
So, where does this lead to now? In December, I am approaching more mock exams and coursework deadlines so I have some hard work to do till then. It's also my birthday on the 2nd, on the day I have an English exam... Great(!). After that, Christmas will be coming and I can't wait to feel the Christmas spirit agin. I am thinking of vlogging some of it and making a short Christmas video but I'm still not 100% sure whether that's a good idea given the family circumstances at the moment. If I do, I will put it on YouTube so you might get a video then, but if not then you'll have to wait till 2015. Later, it's New Years, which is a both exciting and sad time of the year for me as it makes me reflect on the whole year, all the positives and all the negatives.
After the new year though, I am planning to start my weekly videos again, hopefully as myself but who knows what could change until then. I can't wait to see what another year of my YouTube will bring. Until then, I will not upload as I'll try to sort out everything else that's going on in my life. I hope you all understand my choices and respect my decisions. I do apologise for any problems this might cause but I promise to get back to it with a positive attitude.
I love you all,
Byee!
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